spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
You Might Also Like
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Anyone want a chair?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft