look at me when i’m typing to you
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.