friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Succinctly put.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.