I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I’d use my best pan on you.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom