Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
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“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
(Jupiter –
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.