Confused owl: What?!
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.