There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
#inspiration #foodforthought
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away