If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Pizza is an emotion right?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…