not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
You Might Also Like
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
What the hell is going on?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO