the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
You Might Also Like
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Wake me when AI does housework
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”