It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.