[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
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Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick