Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*