Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.