How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
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My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.