Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
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Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.