I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.