Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
You Might Also Like
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
This is so me 😂😂
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
me hooking up with my ex
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.