Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
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My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.