The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
<—- homeless romantic
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time