I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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Planet of the Apps.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Happy Halloween 🎃
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.