I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…