older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
For the baby who has everything
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE