well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this