*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
just witnessed a drug deal
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
A roof is a house hat.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?