Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?