“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”