no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Finally!
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.