Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.