My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
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I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense