When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.