HR said no more nunchucks.
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!