What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
it is time once again
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since