doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.