If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Golf would be better with landmines.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?