dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)