BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.