ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
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you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
BETRAYAL
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
How dude HOW?!
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??