my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*