spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Who called it baking and not making love
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.