Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure