girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”