Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
water it, i dare you
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
OMG 🤣🤣
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.