That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Oh deer
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself