Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo