Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
This is I, Robot all over again
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black