when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
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John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.