I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
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Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Worth a try
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(