I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Dance like you’re not the father
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
This is my pinned tweet
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off