That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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Who did it better?
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
A wise man once said nothing.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.